Harpoonlouis.com

I’m still using yahoo mail for some of my email, (using gmail for most everything else), and they show those little headlines below your main email page which I like.

Today I see this…

Obama to begin intelligence briefings (AP)

Sounds great, makes sense.  Why didn’t they do this with the last guy?

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The question is: What Do Retired People Do All Day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, ‘Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a shit-head.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn’t care. We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. It’s important at our age.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, ‘Hang on! You’re a duck.’

‘I see your eyes are working,’ replies the duck.

‘And you can talk!’ exclaims the barman.

‘I see your ears are working, too,’ says the duck. ‘Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?’

‘Certainly, sorry about that,’ says the barman as he pulls the duck’s  pint. ‘It’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are youdoing round this way?’

‘I’m working on the building site across the road,’ explains the  duck.’I'm a plasterer.’

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from hisbag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids  the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him ‘You’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could  be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!’

‘Sounds marvellous,’ says the ringmaster, handing over his business  card. ‘Get him to give me a call.’

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, ‘Hey  Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good  money.’

‘I’m always looking for the next job,’ says the duck. ‘Where is it?’

‘At the circus,’ says the barman.

‘The circus?’ repeats the duck.

‘That’s right,’ replies the barman.

‘The circus?’ the duck asks again. ‘That place with the big tent?’

‘Yeah,’ the barman replies.

‘With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?’ says the duck.

‘Of course,’ the barman replies.

‘And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?’ persists the duck.

‘That’s right!’ says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

‘What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!’

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Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to occur, to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Elementary my dear Watson.

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St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven. He asks the next one in line, “So who are you, and what did you do on Earth?”

The fellow says, “I’m Barrack Obama, and I was the first Black man to be elected President of the United States.”

St. Peter says, “The U.S.? A black President? You gotta be kidding me! When did all this happen?”

Obama says, “About twenty minutes ago.”

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I just found these languishing in my e-mail box, thought they were worth an airing. They are all apparently from Viz magazine but without any quotes from Billy the Fish I am not too sure.

It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.

Johnny Pring

I’m beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it’s quite warm.

Alan Heath

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that ‘God would make her better.’ presumably, that’s a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.

M Lovejoy

‘She can dish it out, but she cannot take it’, I once heard someone say of me. And it’s true – I’m a school dinner lady and I’m allergic to mashed potatoes.

Mrs Pinches, Hereford

I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.

S Prodnipple, Scarborough

I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he’s going to come out of this alive.

Stella Matlock

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.

Warren

THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I’ve got nothing to eat my dinner with.

Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire

TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied ‘I’ll tell you when you’re older’ when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one’s arse: I’m 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.

Joe McKeown

I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

Neil Palmer

I’M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I’ll probably say I’m a grocer or something.

A Terrorist

WHY DON’T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

Stu Bray

‘Alton Towers – Where the magic never ends’, or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

Colum Hill

‘Tonight there’s gonna be a jailbreak’, sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, ‘somewhere in this town’. Well, I’m guessing it’s going to be at the prison.

Raymond Wankyb *** cks

On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me like a Princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got completely pi**ed and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at 120mph, killing me instantly.

Mrs B. Essex.

The person who coined the phrase ‘as different as chalk and cheese’ obviously hadn’t tasted Kwik Save’s cheddar.

John Sampson, Southampton.

If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters?

P. Sullivan, Birkenhead

They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn’t. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.

D Evans, London

If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?

Stalker, Bournemouth

Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he’s good at hitting people? I’m brilliant at it but the most I’ve ever got is 200 hours community service.

A Woodward, Sheffield

They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.

J Morgan, Wigan

If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn’t it about time that the city of Derby received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham

In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital cities began with the letter ‘B’ – Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.

Martin Harwood, Bradford.

These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.

Tim Wakefield, Surrey

Now I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK when I break wind in bed. It’s when I follow through that the petty arguments begin.. I will never understand women.

Chris Mapply, Carshalton.

We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she ‘bravely remained in London beside her husband’ during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France , then North Africa , Italy , France (again) and finally Germany .The shame will always be with us.

George Nisbet.

Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London. That’s because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.

Werner Hoffman, Munich

I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

B Bollockbrain, Braintree

Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.

M Duckworth, Poole

So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.

J Leonard, Hull

To call Dr Harold Shipman ‘ Britain ‘s worst serial killer’ is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is ‘ Britain ‘s best serial killer’. Colin Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country’s ‘Worst Mass Murderer’.

Danny King, Balham

I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is, who’s sending the other one?

K Libretto, Welling

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Still waiting for confirmation of cheese on Moon, Grommit!

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It’s not much to ask surely, just work it out and put me out of my misery please.

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‘Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional minority and the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.’

I always suspected that “Moral Majority” , “Political correctness” and “Righteous indignation” were all oxymoron’s. Please read “Minority Bigot” , ” Prim intolerance” and “Seldom right and never dignified”.

Phew rant over, gotta go lie down.

(This may even be the correct attribution of the above little gem- I hope so because i would hate to get sued even for such a great one liner! – “The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year’s term was ‘ Political Correctness.” Nice to know our education budget is grappling with the toughies!)

Oooo! oooo! I nearly forgot, do take a half day out to give your brains a good soaping by visiting Pat Conndell at GodlessComedy.com

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