St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven. He asks the next one in line, “So who are you, and what did you do on Earth?”
The fellow says, “I’m Barrack Obama, and I was the first Black man to be elected President of the United States.”
St. Peter says, “The U.S.? A black President? You gotta be kidding me! When did all this happen?”
Obama says, “About twenty minutes ago.”
Sure let him into the UK…..via Terminal 5 and hopefully he can remain lost in transit for the next 40 years.
Bit like my luggage.
Nah, not nearly bad enough.
Will work on this a bit more, or maybe I just can’t be arsed.
Worth pointing that out, yes.
Now I don’t believe in Roswell, aliens and think Elvis is well and truly dead so please don’t think that am a conspiracy nut, nope, cynical yes! But what is going on at YouTube?
Please take a look at this- YouTube or OurTube. Then also Fiddling the ratings?
Now, I don’t know what is going on here but I do suggest that you search YouTube for Pat Condell and see the real thing.
Just in case YouTube completely emasculates itself before you can get there you can always go straight to the horse’s mouth at www.godlesscomedy.com
Boy oh boy is free thinking scary ( but not as much as religion! )
Now I need to do a bit of cross fertilization od ideas here ( ‘cuse the pun ) I am sure Pat would love the following article from the Onion.
DAYTON, TN—A steady stream of devoted evolutionists continued to gather in this small Tennessee town today to witness what many believe is an image of Charles Darwin—author of The Origin Of Species and founder of the modern evolutionary movement—made manifest on a concrete wall in downtown Dayton.
“I brought my baby to touch the wall, so that the power of Darwin can purify her genetic makeup of undesirable inherited traits,” said Darlene Freiberg, one among a growing crowd assembled here to see the mysterious stain, which appeared last Monday on one side of the Rhea County Courthouse. The building was also the location of the famed “Scopes Monkey Trial” and is widely considered one of Darwinism’s holiest sites. “Forgive me, O Charles, for ever doubting your Divine Evolution. After seeing this miracle of limestone pigmentation with my own eyes, my faith in empirical reasoning will never again be tested.”
Added Freiberg, “Behold the power and glory of the scientific method!”
Since witnesses first reported the unexplained marking—which appears to resemble a 19th-century male figure with a high forehead and large beard—this normally quiet town has become a hotbed of biological zealotry. Thousands of pilgrims from as far away as Berkeley’s paleoanthropology department have flocked to the site to lay wreaths of flowers, light devotional candles, read aloud from Darwin’s works, and otherwise pay homage to the mysterious blue-green stain.
Capitalizing on the influx of empirical believers, street vendors have sprung up across Dayton, selling evolutionary relics and artwork to the thousands of pilgrims waiting to catch a glimpse of the image. Available for sale are everything from small wooden shards alleged to be fragments of the “One True Beagle”—the research vessel on which Darwin made his legendary voyage to the Galapagos Islands—to lecture notes purportedly touched by English evolutionist Alfred Russel Wallace.
“I have never felt closer to Darwin’s ideas,” said zoologist Fred Granger, who waited in line for 16 hours to view the stain. “May his name be praised and his theories on natural selection echo in all the halls of naturalistic observation forever.”
Despite the enthusiasm the so-called “Darwin Smudge” has generated among the evolutionary faithful, disagreement remains as to its origin. Some believe the image is actually closer to the visage of Stephen Jay Gould, longtime columnist for Natural History magazine and originator of the theory of punctuated equilibrium, and is therefore proof of rapid cladogenesis. A smaller minority contend it is the face of Carl Sagan, and should be viewed as a warning to those nonbelievers who have not yet seen his hit PBS series Cosmos: A Personal Voyage.
Still others have attempted to discredit the miracle entirely, claiming that there are several alternate explanations for the appearance of the unexplained discoloration.
“It’s a stain on a wall, and nothing more,” said the Rev. Clement McCoy, a professor at Oral Roberts University and prominent opponent of evolutionary theory. “Anything else is the delusional fantasy of a fanatical evolutionist mindset that sees only what it wishes to see in the hopes of validating a baseless, illogical belief system. I only hope these heretics see the error of their ways before our Most Powerful God smites them all in His vengeance.”
But those who have made the long journey to Dayton remain steadfast in their belief that natural selection—a process by which certain genes are favored over others less conducive to survival—is the one and only creator of life as we know it. This stain, they claim, is the proof they have been waiting for.
“To those who would deny that genetic drift is responsible for a branching evolutionary tree of increasing biodiversity amid changing ecosystems, we say, ‘Look upon the face of Darwin!’” said Jeanette Cosgrove, who, along with members of her microbiology class, has maintained a candlelight vigil at the site for the past 72 hours.
“Over millions of successive generations, a specific subvariant of one species of slime mold adapted to this particular concrete wall, in order to one day form this stain, and thus make manifest this vision of Darwin’s glorious countenance,” Cosgrove said, overcome with emotion.
“It’s a miracle,” she added.
Pat, eat your heart out!
Now, I like Australians- generally. I also thought that they had mostly shaken off the yoke of their Commonwealth past, especially the Vietnamese ones, so I was a little saddened to read the following rant which could have been written about the march of bonkers bureaucracy here in the UK. Seems they are either still copying us or they have come up with identical madness entirely separately. Maybe it’s in the genes?
Either way, seems this guys is about as cross with his own Government as I am with mine.
“Dear Mr. Minister,
I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a Television Set and Golf Clubs from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 40 years. It is on my driver’s licence, on the last eight passports I’ve ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that I’ve filled out every 5 years since 1966.
Also..would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Audrey, my Father’s name is Jack, and I’d be absolutely f*cking astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!…
SH*T!
I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I’m really p*ssed off this morning. Between you an’ me, I’ve had enough of all this bullsh*t! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f*cking address!! What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal a*seholes workin’ there!
And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can’t even grow a beard for God’s sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a sh*t whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and get another f*cking copy of my birth certificate, and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?? Nooooo.. that’d be too f*cking easy and makes far too much sense. You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our f*cking heads cut off, and then having to find some high society w*nker to confirm that it’s really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo..the one where we’re not allowed to smile?! …you f*cking morons
Signed – An Irate Australian Citizen.
P.S Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in high-society to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this country since before 1850! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!)
I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I’m also a personal friend of the president of the RSL.. and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.
However, your rules require that I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am; You know.. someone like my doctor; WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F*CKING PAKISTAN!!!……a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended from the Commonwealth for not having the ‘right sort of government.’
You are all F*cking idiots ”
Having recently had my gun licence signed by an Irish Chartered Accountant and had my lawyer sign a form to tell the Land Registry I can sell a piece of land ( which I didn’t actually own) because I paid him for 5 minutes of his time I am about to re-apply for my passport, perhaps I can ask my new Aussie friend to sign it because we are such soul mates?
In advance of Gordon Brown’s trip to America, profiles of the Prime Minister have been appearing in the U.S. One such preview on Eye-Witness News, Palm Beach, went:
“Good morning America, how are you? This is your favourite son, Chad Hanging, reporting. The President of Englandland, Norman Brown, is arriving in our nation’s capital this afternoon to meet with President Bush. But just who is this guy? Let’s cross to our special correspondent in London.”
“Hey, Chad. As you can see, I’m standing in the world-famous Trafalgar Circus, with the House of Fayed directly behind me.”
“So what can you tell us about Norman Brown?”
“Well, Chad, he has been President for some nine months now. He used to be Chancellor.”
“What, you mean he’s, like, German?”
“No, that’s what they call their Treasury Secretary over here.”
“And is he a Conservative, like President Tony Blair?”
“No, Chad. He’s Labour. President Blair wasn’t a Conservative, either. He only pretended to be.”
“So how did Brown get the job?”
“He just kept shouting at President Blair until he stood down.”
“But he won an election, right?”
“No, Chad, there wasn’t an election. He did think about calling one, but decided against it because he was frightened he might lose.”
“How can you change Presidents without having an election? I mean, it’s not like President Blair was assassinated.”
“That’s just the way it works in Englandland. The leader of the party with the most seats in the House of Lords gets to be President.”
“So Norman Brown was elected leader of the Labour Party?”
“Negative, again, Chad. He did raise money and have a leadership campaign, but no one stood against him.”
“What, nobody? No primaries, no general election, nothing?”
“Affirmative, Chad.”
“Let me get this straight. His party hasn’t elected him, the country hasn’t elected him, yet he still gets to be President. Sounds like a tinpot Commie dictatorship to me.”
“You could say that, Chad. Norman Brown doesn’t really like anyone being given the chance to vote on anything.”
“Someone must have voted for him, some time.”
“Oh, yes. He was elected to the House of Lords by his constituents in Scotlandland.”
“He’s Scoddish, then?”
“That’s a big Ten-Four, Chad.”
“So is he President of Scotlandland, too?”
“No, that’s a guy called Alan Salmon.”
“Hang on, if Brown’s from Scotlandland, how can he be President of Englandland?”
“That’s just the way it goes in this crazy country, Chad. Brown can make laws for Englandland, but not for his own people in Scotlandland. Not that it matters much because Brown has signed away most of Englandland’s lawmaking powers to unelected European bureaucrats in Brussels, Belgiumland.”
“That would be like stripping Congress of the power to make laws in America and handing it over to Mexico.”
“I guess so.”
“How in the Hell did the people of Englandland vote for that?”
“They didn’t. Brown wouldn’t let them, even though it was a solemn promise in his party’s manifesto the last time people were allowed to vote.”
“Couldn’t the Supreme Court have stopped him?”
“Not really. The Supreme Court of Englandland is now in Strasbourg, where the geese come from.”
“Isn’t there any opposition?”
“There’s a guy called Boris.”
“Sounds Russian.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised, Chad. There are millions of Eastern Europeans living here now, mainly in Peterburl. Englandland has seen mass immigration over the past ten years, but no one voted for that, either.”
“What in the name of Ulysses S. Grant is going on over there, Brit? We’re talking about the country which gave us Magna Carta, saw off the Armada, stood alone against Hitler and invented parliamentary democracy. How does Norman Brown get away with it? He must be a popular guy.”
“Far from it, Chad. According to the latest opinion polls, he’s the most unpopular President ever. His approval ratings are even worse than George Dubya Bush. There’s talk about him having to stand down soon. He’s already promised the job to some guy who works for him – name of Balls.”
“Say again, Brit, you’re breaking up.”
“BALLS!”
“You’re damn right there, buddy.”
( Thanks to our American cousins for that overview, can they now move on to the West Lothian question please)
‘Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional minority and the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.’
I always suspected that “Moral Majority” , “Political correctness” and “Righteous indignation” were all oxymoron’s. Please read “Minority Bigot” , ” Prim intolerance” and “Seldom right and never dignified”.
Phew rant over, gotta go lie down.
(This may even be the correct attribution of the above little gem- I hope so because i would hate to get sued even for such a great one liner! – “The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year’s term was ‘ Political Correctness.” Nice to know our education budget is grappling with the toughies!)
Oooo! oooo! I nearly forgot, do take a half day out to give your brains a good soaping by visiting Pat Conndell at GodlessComedy.com
